Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
