I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
