apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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