I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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