I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
