I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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