I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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