Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
