Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
