I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
