So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
