3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
