I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize