yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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