Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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