Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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