Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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