Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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