my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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