Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
