this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
