you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
