no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
