If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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