tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Randomize
