my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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