And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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