How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
