I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
