At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
