you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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