God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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