apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
