Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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