I'm sorry my penis didn't work
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
