you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
