I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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