This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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