nut hugger
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
