You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
