also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
