It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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