I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
