If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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