Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
