Your dad touched me again.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
