I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
