Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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