just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
