the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
