dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
